Your invitation is revoked, Sir.

I was born in Idaho, grew up in California, went to college in Illinois, actually really grew up in California again, and now I am here in Alabama.

Alabama has been, by far, the hardest state to adapt to. Oh, I know, your mind immediately jumps to Alabama’s darker history of racism, backwoods ignorance, and hate. Nope, not talking about that! Sure it must exist in parts of this state, but I live in one of the cities and and it’s generally something that people have worked hard to get rid of – or at least hide – here.

I am talking about BUGS. [queue girlish squirming and “eeeewww” face]

Bugs an I have an interesting history. As a child I played with all that I could get my hands on. As an adult I will squeal and dance and run if a lady bug lands on me. I can’t explain where this “phobia” (not an actual clinical phobia, obviously) came from. It just evolved, like many of my other weird fears that never used to exist.

At any rate, I digress. I have never in my life seen so many bugs. Not just the different types, but the proliferation of them. Red wasps, black wasps, regular wasps, mud dobbers, yellow jackets, hornets, bumble bees, honey bees, carpenter bees, gigantic-i-dont-know-what-you-are-but-you’re-scary bees, black ants, red ants, carpenter ants, mosquitos, mosquito-hawks, water skippers, cicadas, the-other-even-bigger-scarier-aggressive cicadas, lady bugs, fireflies, fruit flies, house flies, may flies, dobson flies, praying mantis, stick bugs, a variety of moths, a variety of spiders, daddy long legs, centipedes, house centipedes, millipedes, water bugs, palmetto bugs, wood roaches, german roaches, american roaches, stink bugs, grasshoppers, crickets, kissing bugs, june bugs…. I’m sure there’s more, but I think you get the point.

Mind you, these are just the bugs that I have seen and/or been attacked by. The State of Alabama has 354 different species of bugs, insects, and spiders. YUCK!

It is quite often that I find myself with an uninvited guest in my home. Let me set the scene for you:

A young woman of 30 going on 31 tires of her toiling life at home where she works 70-80 hours a week just to be too poor to even afford new clothes or eye glasses. She got offered a full time position from her (then) part time job, if she moved to Alabama.

Alabama? You mean like… Deliverance, Alabama?. She thought as the opening bar of Dueling Banjos played in her head. Never having been to the South, she only had stereotypes and hearsay to go by. She told her boss she would think about it, and went home to think. She poked around online and saw the prices of apartments and houses in the area. She was agape at how low the prices were, for how nice the apartments looked online. Looking around her tiny dingy apartment that she paid more for than of what she saw online, she figured “why not?” She took a trip out to the city she’d be moving to, and was pleasantly surprised by the local natural beauty and the kindness of the residents. She knew she’d be content to live there.

Fast forward to May 2013, 3 months into her new Alabama residency. She’d been battling this new found foe, The Wood Roach. She’d fought a valiant battle with her Raid can and vacuum cleaner, but these gargantuan pony-sized cockroaches still kept invading her home. With each cringe worthy “thunk” as she vacuumed up another fallen enemy, she knew another would take its place.

One night, she’d been asleep in bed: oblivious to the world. Tickle, tickle. Something roused her from sleep enough to sluggishly brush the top of her head before dropping back into oblivion. Tickle, tickle, tickle at the top of her head again. Once more she dozily brushed at her head before again slipping back away. Tickle, tickle! This time the tickle was on her arm and her sleep addled brain finally triggered the fact that something was incredibly wrong! She leaped out of bed like it was on fire, just in time to see a truck sized wood roach scuttle off her her pillow, across the bed, and down the other side.

OH GOD, OH GOD, OH GOD! She internally panicked as she charged out of the bedroom and into the kitchen cabinet under the sink where she kept the Raid. She tip-toed back into her bedroom, armed and ready. She would not rest until this nefarious creature was pushing up daisies.

The siege ensued. Interwebs intelligence told her that these roaches, unlike their indoor infesting cousins, were attracted to light. She stood in ready anticipation, every light in the room blazing. She knew this unholy creature would eventually give in to its blind instinct and head for the light – both literally and proverbially.

Time became irrelevant as she stood perched, ready and waiting. At long last the malignant 6 legged monstrosity skittered its way from under the protection of the bed.

“AHA! I’VE GOT YOU NOW!” She shouted in triumph: the chase was on.

Spraying with maniacal glee she chased the monster down, “Die! Die, damn you! DIE!” She yelled. With a stubborn defiance the creature ran on, zigzagging left and right. She refused to let this foe triumph.

At long last, and 5 gallons of Raid later,  the slain enemy lay at her feet. Retrieving her vacuum cleaner she sucked the villain up into its dusty grave.

Your invitation is revoked, Sir. She thought with grim satisfaction.


12 thoughts on “Your invitation is revoked, Sir.

  1. Oh. My. Gosh. I live in Florida so, yeah…bugs.

    I had to google “wood roach” …thank you for solving that one for me because I have always wondered what kind of roach that was. Sorrrrta palmetto-ish, but not.

    I am deathly afraid of palmetto bugs. The flying and the hugeness and all. Nowadays, I seem to find them mostly dead (yay!), so I place a bowl over it until my dad or some other non-freak comes over to dispose of it.

    But a couple of times when I go to remove the bowl from the “dead” bug, the bug is gone. Like it did a whole fake dying bit …”Haha! I fooled the girl, she thinks I’m dead!” But then I always find them dead in another room. They are insanely resilient.

    Also, I have a really high level of bug paranoia for someone who has lived here their whole life. Have you become paranoid yet? One time, I screamed and jumped because there was an almond on the floor and I thought it was a bug. Another time I jumped because, in the darkness of a 2am bathroom visit, the shadow my oval barrette looked like a palmetto bug.

    Wow. I just wrote soooo much about roaches. Is that weird? Aaaanyway, funny post. And relatable. Way to be brave!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lol I am super paranoid, trust me! One day a Cicada was on the wall of the breezeway between me and my apartment door. Past experience was that even if you walked past them they freaked out and tried to attack you. So I walked ALL THE WAY AROUND the block to the back side of my building to get to my apartment, rather than walk past it lol… Luckily, since that first year I have been able to keep the majority of the wood roaches out of my apartment, so I might only see 1-5 the whole spring/summer and they’re usually already dead. Last year however, I almost stepped (barefoot) on the HUGEST millipede I had ever seen in my life. I almost stepped on it, and at a glance thought my cats had puked up a hair ball, and when I bent over I discovered it was a 5″ long 3/4″ wide millipede… EEEEEWWWWWW… Ugh…. Ok I have to stop typing, I’m giving myself the willies lol

      Liked by 2 people

      1. HAHAHA! …all the way around the block…sounds perfectly reasonable. I have slept in the other room because I spotted a bug in my bedroom. Like it can’t just crawl into the other room.

        I just googled “cicada”—another mystery solved, as I have seen them always but never knew their name. Very educational today.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Lol If I had another room to sleep in I probably would to. As it were, that particular night I tore my entire bedroom apart making sure nothing else was in there – and proceeded to do so every night before bed for about 3 months lol! And yes, I will always look up the bugs I encounter. As Sun Tzu said “Know thy enemy.” Lol

        Liked by 1 person

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